About Beth

by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
September 6, 2011

Beth is a 30 year old wife, and mother of 4 beautiful children who was recently diagnosed with Ultra-Rapid Cycling Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Anxiety, and Paranoia.
This came after a complete breakdown and psychosis which was so bad; I ended up being hospitalized for a few days. I’ve spent a lot of time researching my illness, as well as trying to find other women to relate to that could help me cope with the problems I have with medications, the rapidly changing moods, being a mother and a wife, taking care of myself and my home, and learning how to live a better life. It has been a struggle for me since day one and it is very disappointing to see that there aren’t any mothers out there telling their story.
I feel the stigma that bipolar means “crazy” keeps a lot of women from being open and honest about their illness, which breeds shame. No one should have to feel ashamed of themselves because of a label. We are all human and we all struggle to get through every day the same. Some moods take months to change where others it’s a matter of days. Regardless of the “type” of mood disorder we have we still need support.
Through my writing I aim to help other women and mothers out there. I feel everyone needs to have a better understanding of the shared challenge in learning how to live with, and survive, Bipolar. I also encourage those who are trying to understand the illness on a more personal level to help provide better support for a loved one to read what I have to say as well. A lot of mother’s are ashamed of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions they feel while facing the up’s and down’s associated with Bipolar. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and I am here to show that no one is ever alone.

My Life as a Bipolar Mom

Cristina Fender, 34, of Austin, Texas, is an aspiring writer, blogger, and mother of two who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2006. Each and every day Cristina struggles to manage her condition while taking care of her family. Though Cristina's approach to treating bipolar disorder isn't for everyone, her story vividly demonstrates how elusive stability can be for people with bipolar.

I think the hardest job in tDespite all this help, there are days when I can’t get out of bed because I’m in a deep depression or didn’t sleep at all the night before. Sometimes I’m unable to do anything other than get my kids fed. When I’m too depressed to function, I tell the girls that "mommy’s sick." At the other end of the spectrum, if I’m in a manic phase, I frantically work on other projects around the house, and the TV is my babysitter. It's because of my children that I can get up in the morning and attempt to function at a somewhat normal level. Getting out of bed when your Geodon causes sleepiness (yet prevents mania and psychosis) is a feat in itself. I down two Frappuccinos just to get going.

After my 2-year-old goes down for a nap at 11:30, my anxiety creeps in. I’m restless, pacing, and I feel like I’m going to explode from the inside out. Anxiety makes my skin crawl and I almost claw at my skin to get it to stop. I usually take a Xanax, which calms me down.

he world is being a stay-at-home mom with bipolar disorder. I’m 34 and married, and I have two girls, ages 2 and 5. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder on October 2, 2006, while pregnant with the second baby.

I’m a compliant patient, although I still feel crippled by my disorder. I duly take my medications—lithium, Geodon, Ambien, Xanax, and Prozac—as prescribed by my psychiatric nurse practitioner. The various meds calm my mania, even out my moods, and ease my depression, and they allow me to sleep most nights. I see a talk therapist, too.

Re: BPD/NPD/HPD-The Differences

by orion8591 » Thu Mar 24, 2011 6:02 am

Any of them can be good looking, but in general BPD will be the lowest functioning, NPD the highest, HPD somewhere in the middle.

BPD: better named Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder ? : in the worst cases nearly psychotic episodes of dissociation. The best known splitters among the PD's: at any one time they see people as good or evil with few intermediate characteristics. Frequent emotional outbursts, more so than HPD (the feral cat analogy the above poster suggested is a good one). Lack of self image and self identity: BPD's have such a vacancy within themselves they often end up sounding like the otherperson they are having a conversation with. Afraid of being abandoned or alone. Known for impulsive behavior and addiction to sex, alcohol, marijuana, harder drugs, gambling, and other risky behaviors. Some make superficial cuts to the arms and legs to release analgesic endorphins. Serious suicidal ideation and suicidal attempts.
In a relationship with a BPD you would probably feel in control and secure, but after a while maybe smothered. Breaking up could be even more problematic, however, since it might trigger rage, obnoxious stalking, simple assaults, or in rare cases, worse forms of violence.
On the positive side, if you really love a BPD they have the best chances of remission, and they seem to possess genuine empathy. Unfortunately it is such a crippling condition for those who have not sought treatment, many are un-employed or under-employed.

BPD emotional supply: "Go away - no -I changed my mind, stay with me!"

HPD: like a more functional version of BPD, with a more tightly focused psychological challenge: relationships with significant others. In the beginning you will feel like the most loved person in the world, probably only later to suddenly fall into oblivion. Probably the most well known cheaters among the PD's. Like BPD's, HPD's split, and this explains the extreme initial idealization / later devaluation of you, and the constant search for the ideal man (or woman). They don't seem to be intentionally trying to hurt others, though. Some say the only way to sucessfully manage a relationship with an HPD is to keep them guessing: don't let ever them know know you love them and set down strict disciplinary guidelines regarding cheating. If you are too serious about life, they have a refreshing light superficial perspective, but don't expect too much deep intellectual reflection (unless they are trying to recover). Despite supposed problems with orgasms, great in bed, if they are so inclined. Fairly well represented in professional buisiness and entertainment circles.

HPD Emotional supply: "Give me your attention" [good preferred, but bad will do]

NPD: in my opinion the somatic NPD's are best looking of the PD's (but watch out!). Many models, media personalities, and entertainers seem to be somatic NPD or at least narcissisitic. The cerebral NPD's can be doctors, lawyers, academics, and other high white collar professionals. All of them are usually perfectionistic, intelligent, manipulative, expert 'white' or all-out liars, and totally self-centered: whereas BPD's and HPD's IDEALIZE (and in the case of HPD's, unfortunately later devalue) their significant others, from the get go with an NPD you are OBJECTIFIED, or "thinged" - kind of like a tool shed with good things inside to be used up. In this respect NPD's differ from their close relatives the AsPD's only in terms of their supply: whereas the the AsPD's want yourmoney, your car, your body, or your life, the NPD is usually satisfied with being...adored, worshipped, noticed as the best looking or the brightest, or the most wanted (unlike the HPD criticism and other forms of negative attention are not valued).
In a relationship with an NPD you will note an unusual amount of statements coming from the NPD that begin with "I," or that include "mine." "I went <here> today," "I did <this> today," "Hey, thatclient is mine," etc. Often there will be little genuine interest in what you or others do.
Although unlike AsPD's NPD's usually don't commit serious crimes, when the narcissism gets so bad NPD's can be Malignant Narcissisists, who have overlaps with AsPD's and so are potentially dangerous. Their supply often involves humiliation and some have been involved in sex crimes,torture, and serial murders.
Another peculiar characteristic of some severe NPD's is when you express love for them they respond with contempt, as if they are thinking "only a fool would love me."
Being in a relationship with an NPD has been compared to running on a treadmill that is gradually running faster and faster: you eventually will get exhausted, but you never get anywhere.

NPD emotional supply: "Worship me, I am better than anyone!"

“Was it hard?" I ask.
"Letting go?...Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”

~Lisa Schroeder

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Re: BPD/NPD/HPD-The Differences

by mr.johnnymac » Thu Mar 24, 2011 8:15 am

Great post Orion. You broke it down very well, and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

Ironically, what you said about the NPD is not as recognized as it should be. For instance, if you look at the NPD forum (the books it recommends, the posts...etc), you will notice that it is very destitute of the full scope of NPD. Not much is said about the specific language the NPD uses (yet the NPD's language is one of the core components professionals use to study the pd and to help those with the pd make improvements with their communication models).

I think searchfortruth (if my memory serves me correctly) learned a lot of language techniques to make a lot of improvements in his life. It cannot be emphasized enough that language is HUGE in relation to NPD.

Furthermore, the male cheaters, the drug addicts, the people with drinking problems...none of these things are specific traits to NPD (one can simply check the DSM...but even a more extensive search will produce the same conclusion). True, these things "could" be traits of an NPD-just like an NPD "may" happen to be a smoker-but a nicotine habit simply isn't a trait of NPD.

Funny how you mentioned the models and actors, and how you mentioned that IYO they were the most beautiful of the pd's. I feel the same way, and that this specific sub type of NPD is entirely in love with themselves. They are more higher functioning than the HPD, and this combination enables them to put even more into their appearance than an HPD could. For instance, the somatic NPD is more high functioning, which means they can make more money to put into plastic surgery, etc. There can be a lot more said about the somatic NPD you mentioned.

I think they are often a representation of the covert NPD. I have for years been fascinated with covert NPD's-perhaps because they are so high functioning that they can fly under the radar. In fact, when I had first begun lurking this board, I found a poster who I believe was a covert NPD using the exact type of language you mentioned: "I", "Me", etc. It is obvious she is a covert NPD:

"Remember what "I" do for a living"...
"Remember I did this for you..."
"Your counselor said the same thing "I" said..."
"So your shrink agrees with what "I" was saying in the beginning..."
"'I' already heard that story a long time ago..."

Anyway, you can tell she is starving for recognition. Her fragmented identity is revealed through so much of the language she uses, and your post is so spot on about their use of pronouns! Once you learn this, it is easier to spot a covert NPD.

I think another problem with so much of the watered down information of NPD is that many people are so intent of making the NPD a pd that is congruent with male behavior (they REALLY try to make sure the man gets the NPD label). As a result, when a man cheats on a woman,

"He is an NPD!"

Yet, no where does it say, "A man who cheats on his wife/girlfriend is an NPD". If it were true for the man, then it would need to be true for the woman also. And if it were true for both of them, there would be a LOT of NPDs!! After all, there are a lot of cheaters out there :wink:

.

But there is a name for it...how about:

Unfaithful
Infidelity
Etc...

Nevertheless, in the NPD forum (and many places), a man who cheats gets the 'N' card.

Another thing is a man who watches porn:

"And my ex "n" spent like two hours every night just sitting there watching porn...".

But there is a name for this too...how about:

Porn addiction :idea:

Nevertheless, they continue to attach this to NPD-even though psychology labels it as porn addiction, the wounded woman will label it as NPD.

Then, there is the physically abusive man...

"My ex "n" hit me".

But there is a name for physically abusive behavior too:

Violent behavior
Dangerous Behavior
Etc. (consider the term 'anger management')

NPD's, as you mentioned, seldom break the law (this is the common consensus at least), and being physically violent is breaking the law. Plus, it is not a trait they use to diagnose NPD, yet wounded women continually use this as a trait to diagnose their exes as an "n"...then their friends agree with them.

A man who beats his ex is certainly:

A jerk
An as*hole
Unreasonable
Unfair

And he may be:

A drug addict
An alcoholic
A gambler

But this alone does not make him:

An NPD :shock:

True, the woman beater may be an NPD...but violent dangerous acts are simply not traits of NPD so they would need other traits that are actually authentic traits of NPD to diagnose him as NPD.

You were also spot on about the type of NPD being white collar professionals. A lot of NPD case studies talk about:

Lawyers
Doctors
Counselors (the helping profession is loaded with them, and what better place for the covert 'n'? A perfect place to hide their true self so they can portray a false identity by masquerading as a counselor of some sort).
Successful Businesspeople

Again, as we fully consider this and attempt to synchronize these same personality types being described on the typical 'n' forum...we simply rarely see it.

Now, what you said about the HPD's extreme idealization and devaluation really stood out to me as being a distinct cluster b trait that described the HPD much more than the other pd's. I thank you for pointing it out the way you did. I never thought of that, that this behavior is a classic HPD tactic. I feel the way you described it too, that this idealization/devaluation phase is an HPD signature.

BPD can be looked at from two entirely different perspectives:

1) What BPD does to the nons
2) What BPD does to the one who has it

Each perspective is an entirely different. For example, when I visit the BPD forum from time to time to read what the posters are saying, it doesn't seem like BPD at all to me. Why? Because they mainly describe what its doing to them. If I was in a non BPD support group, or on a non forum, I would be hearing of the covert nature of how the BPD emotionally abuses people, how the BPD split, etc.

A lot of stories I read here on the BPD forum sound like they are describing bi-polar or manic depression and not a pd (again, they are telling the story from a different perspective). Plus, it is factual that BPD is often mistaken as manic depression/bi-polar, and vice versa. This means that many BPDers are misdiagnosed as having manic depression, and that many people with manic depression are misdiagnosed with having BPD.

Of course, this must also mean there are many similarities between BPD and bi-polar/manic depression-provided the BPD perspective is solely focused on the person possessing the disorder.

Anyway, what you said about the BPD being smothering is true, and there is a certain softness of the BPD that does make one wonder if the BPD has empathy. It is for this purpose, IMO, that men have a more difficult time leaving the BPD than the other pd's (when it comes to long term relationships...not just sex), because the BPD woman has this wonderful side, this romantically deep side that is hard to explain. It is so easy to connect with them emotionally...so easy, and I feel it makes it harder for a man to leave them. We always 'hope' that there will be remission, or that they will get better with age. The thing is, I think these are some of the reasons the BPD is so toxic.

I feel they seldom do have empathy (although more than the other pds), yet they have a counterfeit way of representing themselves that is PERFECT for making it appear that they have empathy. Sometimes they look so fragile, lost...and these are some of their features that cause us to put our guard down, to read more into some of their apologies and gestures than is really there.

In the end, they emotionally tear people apart just like any other pd-they just have their own unique way of doing it. They drive people nuts (this is more often than not referred to as "the crazy behavior making pd"), they emotionally drain you, they wear you down, they split, they gaslight, they covertly try to employ control tactics...and yet it is often difficult for a person to leave them.

The HPD I went out with was certainly gorgeous on the outside...completely flawless, extremely attention grabbing, fashionable in every sense, but it was easy for me to leave her once I realized who she was...how empty she was. I didn't shed one single tear. Instead, I got angry and hated her. I felt she was a loser, a bum, a moron, a complete nobody beneath her appearance (and one day her beauty will begin to fade...it only takes a few extra pounds or her having a child...a few years older perhaps), and she was uneducated.

The BPD I felt was my best friend. I loved her so much. She was like my family. She was more than family to me, as she was a part of me. I loved her more than I loved myself, and I loved her because I wanted to. I wasn't tricked. I wanted to love her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, to build a future with her, to grow old with her. I could sense something was wrong with her, and within myself I began to feel she was emotionally or mentally handicapped somehow, but I told myself that a handicap would not ever stop me from loving her. Then, her emotions began to turn on "me". Rages began, splitting began...as it became more pronounced the closer we got to each other. I knew to keep her meant losing myself. So, I ended the relationship (together almost four years...four years of trying reduced to nothing), and unlike the HPD...I did shed a tear. I cried and cried and cried...just like a little baby.

So, I guess this is one of the differences of the BPD and HPD...I miss the BPD, and I hope she is doing well. I had no choice to end it, and when I did she raged anyway...so I no contacted her. The HPD had far more power to capture a man's attention, but the BPD had way more power to capture a man's heart.

"Passive Aggressive MasterpieceS"